Ryan
Having worked on the post-production end of Keeping up with the Kardashians since season 1, I was familiar with a lot of faces from the production crews. I had started seeing Ryan’s face on a regular basis. I could tell he was mixed, and looked forward to meeting him at some point. When I had the opportunity to go out in the field and direct on Stewarts & Hamiltons, I was lucky to have Ryan on my team for a few days here and there as one of our camera operators. We quickly struck up a friendship, largely based on a shared passion for Kanye West around the time he had dropped Yeezus.
From conversations that Ryan and I had shared, I suspected he would be interested in The PartBlack Project, and from the very earliest stages he has supported my efforts. Reading his answers to the Q&A I can feel his excitement as he describes the ways in which he experienced a unique life growing up PartBlack.
One night after production wrapped, we shot some portraits in the tech room at Bunim-Murray Productions. Some time later, we met up in Hollywood for lunch at Sweet Green, and after catching up we took a walk around the neighborhood in order to capture a few more images.
Do you self-identify as Black? Mixed? Bi-Racial? Something else?
I identify as a Mixed, Black and White male who lives in Los Angeles. I like to split my ethnicity in half and recognize both sides to who I am and how I got here. Growing up at times I would feel the pressure of society to swing one way or another (Black or White) but I’ve found to be the most comfortable and confident when I am identifying as Mixed Black and White man.
Are there any PartBlack people who you admire, or look up to?
The main one would have to be Barack Obama. He came around at a time I was starting to discover what the world was and myself within it. He was, literally, an excellent model to look up to. I know many, if not everybody, see’s Obama as a Black male but everyone forgets that his mother is White. Others would be Drake, Bob Marley, Derek Jeter, Steph Curry, Blake Griffin, my sisters Rania Barris and Aria McLaughlin, and my friends Sebastian Chung and Damien Belliveau.
Describe a time being PartBlack helped you:
Looking back, overall, I think it helped me socially in being aware of other cultures and how important the aspects within that can be. More specifically, I believe it really helped me in High School. I was coming from a very “white” middle school named Seqouyah out in Pasadena to a primarily Latino school named Cathedral HS in East LA. I will say I flaunted my “half black card” more there in my early years than any where else. It helped me connect with my friends and basketball teammates that really got me through high school. I don’t know what I would have done had I not had basketball as a great “barrier-breaker” for me. Not only then but now and in the future. Basketball always helped me overcome my feelings of being different in social groups.
Describe a time being PartBlack made things more difficult:
Within my family, I was always aware of my Grandmothers views on my mother before I was born and in my early years. The story Ive been told was how she rejected my Mother and our family because of the decision my Father made in marrying and having children with a Black woman. She eventually got over it but that was my first realization of racism, even within the family. I will also say on the basketball court. When going to basketball tournaments in High School, opposing players would seldom look at me like “this white kid who thinks he is black coming in here and showing us up,” for lack of a better term. I don’t know if it was my adolescence and insecurity that caused this belief, but the memories make me feel as if I was less than compared to groups from more prominent Black schools.
Your feelings on the N-Word:
I am not a fan of the N-Word. Ive always been the type to not say it in any circumstances. I will sing it if I hear it in a rap song but I really try and not make it apart of my vocabulary. I will say that when around my family or Black friends that I have known my whole life, it is more likely to come out but I try to not say it.
In general, are there unique challenges to being PartBlack?
The challenge to being Partblack is to not get caught up in what everyone else thinks of you. The hardest thing for me to, and continually, overcome is how I’m perceived and how people perceive me. “Your too black,” or “Your too White.” “Wigger,” or “high yellow or yella”. Listening to these descriptions were always something I would spend my energy on, constantly trying to please both sides without focusing on how I felt inside. Once I learned to accept who I was and how beautiful that is, my life changed. It will always be a constant struggle because society is going to keep on sharing it’s two cents about how I should act but finding that peace was truly powerful.
In general, are there unique benefits to being PartBlack?
Growing up under two different cultures was something I found to be extremely beneficial. I would always compare and contrast the parties my Dad’s side would have versus the parties my Mother’s side would have. My Mother’s side was always more fun! But learning the two cultures, just from experience alone, taught me a lot about awareness in culture and ethnicity.
In your career, how has being PartBlack helped and/or hurt?
This is a tough question. I would say an aspect where it hurt was being subject to racial jokes and slurs that nobody likes to be a part of. On the other hand, a lot of the people I work with originally thought I was white and I feel like that has not hindered me in our racist society. I am not proud to admit that looking white has helped my career, but I feel naive to say it hasn’t influenced it in any way.
In general, do you date Blacks or non-Blacks?
Ive dated Black girls and non-Black girls. I am currently engaged to a white woman who I love very much. Growing up, I never tried to go after a certain race in a relationship. I wanted to look at everyone equally and never think about how race played a part. I will say, that coming from a Black mother, she would always try and get me to date women of color but I would always tease her that “she had no room to talk because she married a white man.”
In general, are you more comfortable around Blacks or non-Blacks?
I feel more comfortable around black people. Im not sure why but I believe that the environment my family created for me made the Black side a little more appealing and fun. I feel I am my most open when I am around more Black people, generally. Yet I live with my White Fiance and her White friend so the topic is up for debate. lol
Feelings on “light-skinned,” “yellow/high yellow,” “mulatto”?
Strangely enough, I like the term “mulatto.” I know it is a derogatory term that was used negatively in the past to put down the type of person I am. But, when I first heard that word, it made me feel like I was apart of something; like I had a group that there was no doubt I could be a part of; one of mixed race. The same goes for “light-skinned” although it doesn’t have the same relevance as “mulatto.” Ive been called “light-skinned” my whole life; never really thought anything of it other than that is who I am. “Yellow,” or “high yellow” is a term I do not like. I remember in college, this young girl named Jocelyn really liked me so we went to hang out. Jocelyn was a darker Black girl who was very physically attractive but had a very forceful attitude. We were walking through the streets of San Francisco one day and she called me “a high yellow ass N****,” and I did not like that. I don’t remember if I didn’t speak to her the rest of our outing or if I said something about it but that word has always hurt me in a way most other words could not.
How do people of different ethnic groups treat you? (For example, do you feel you are treated differently around Whites than you are around Blacks?)
Growing up around both groups, I feel that when around White people, they try and tiptoe, or “walk on eggshells” around the issue of me being Mixed. On the other hand, I feel like when I am around Black people, they are more likely to “call you out” (for lack of a better word) on your blackness or ethnicity. Almost more of a unifying type of energy, rather than the White group who try to suppress it and keep it from becoming an issue. Very interesting.
The next answer is how I initially looked at this question: I feel like most other groups either think I’m Puerta Rican or Middle Eastern. Actually, my Mom has this joke where she always tells me to shave my beard before I get on a plane because of the possibility I could be a Muslim terrorist and TSA would give me a hard time. Living in this world, I feel I have a very ambiguous look about me and so many cultures actually embrace me. I was in the Dominican Republic on one of my first trips with Bunim-Murray and the locals there believed I was Dominican. I’m not going to lie, it felt good to feel accepted as such opposed to the response I would get in the states.
How do you feel when you meet another person who is PartBlack?
I love to meet Partblack individuals. Im so fascinated with their story and how they came to overcome what I have struggled with my whole life. Im always curious. Did they have the same issues of feeling different? Were they aware of their mixed identity at a young age? How they overcame or continually overcome the challenges of living in a society with so much racial history and tension? This experience is in part, due to the fact that I ran into another Mixed person who opened me up about my past after I learned a bit about his. Knowledge is power and I feel that if more Mixed people share their experiences with the world, more people will understand not only Mixed people far more, but also humanity as a whole, because thats what we are; we are humans not bound by the racial scars that tore our ancestors apart but an ever mixing and changing group that will evolve into many different forms before the last of the human race.