Damien
Only after I began interviewing people for this project did I realize how deeply personal the questions I was posing in the Q&A truly are. Early versions of the Q&A were shorter, about eleven questions, and my pilot group of four people turned the dozen questions around pretty quickly. However, when I decided to expand the project, and at the same time expand the number of questions, getting the completed questionnaires returned became more challenging than I anticipated. So, I thought the fair thing to do would be to include my own Q&A, and let people read my answers to my own questions. The thing about a Q&A like this is that the answers really reflect a specific moment in time. My answers, and the responses of those people I interviewed, present a limited portrait. The fact is that I could answer each of these questions differently on different days, as I’m sure each of my guests could as well. I hesitate to fuss over these answers though. I could agonize over each question and each answer indefinitely. But I believe this project’s value lies precisely in the nature of evolution, and I invite people to read these Q&As with an appreciation for life as an ever-changing process rather than as a static thesis. I don’t intend my answers, or the answers of my subjects, to be scientific statements or political declarations or personal pledges. The PartBlack Q&A is a portrait, in words and in pictures, of a particular group of people whose experience has been largely ignored in a world that prefers to deal in extremes and polarities such as good and evil, positive and negative, rich and poor, and yes, black and white. I hope these stories can deepen and broaden the way we talk about ethnicity, and culture, and people.
1) Do you identify as Black? White? Mixed? Bi-Racial? Something else?
I used to identify as Mixed. Now I identify as PartBlack, but continue to use Mixed occasionally, when useful, usually for the sake of variety/ as a synonym for PartBlack.
2) Who are some PartBlack people who have inspired you?
Prince. Malcolm X. Barack Obama. Colin Kaepernick. Alicia Keys. Allen and Albert Hughes.
3) Which public figure, of any ethnicity, has had the greatest influence on your life? (This can be an artist, scientist, musician, filmmaker, philosopher, athlete, politician, writer — anyone.)
Ice Cube. Malcolm X. Spike Lee. Brian DePalma. Kevin Smith. Richard Linklater. Jean-Luc Godard. Angela Davis. Tim Ferriss.
4) Are there any fictional characters from film or literature that have influenced your life? How?
I remember being moved by the title character in The Count of Monte Cristo, but I don’t remember exactly why. Don Lockwood from Singin’ in the Rain is a favorite of mine – he is a talented dancer and singer, charming and witty, and his optimism is justified by his hard work and tenacity. Owen Wilson in every Wes Anderson film, and Ethan Hawke in every Richard Linklater film – this may be because both actors are Scorpios, like me, but I know the connection is deeper than astrology. I feel like Scorpios, regardless of ethnicity, often feel like outsiders, so despite the European backgrounds of Hawke and Wilson, I have sympathized and identified with their characters on many occasions.
5) What countries have you traveled to, and how does your physical appearance influence how people treat you around the world?
I’ve traveled to England, France, Italy, Mexico, South Korea, The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, and Haiti. My physical appearance affects the way others react to me and treat me no more abroad than at home in California. I lived in Nicaragua for a year, with family. Throughout the country I witnessed a degree of colorism that I did not anticipate. I didn’t experience anything directed at me, personally, but the casualness with which Central Americans practice culture-and-color-based prejudices was surprising. Assumptions based on skin color are common. When I was in the Army, many South Koreans actually suspected I had some Korean background (I do not), and when I travel in Europe people often think I am Brazilian until they hear me speak. I always assume the way people treat me is directly correlated to how I treat myself – do I carry myself with respect, dignity and confidence? If I do, I usually get that in return.
6) Are there other PartBlack people in your life, and/or how do you feel when you meet another person who is PartBlack?
I have several friends who are PartBlack, and this project is evidence of me actively trying to expand that group. When I meet other mixed PartBlack people I feel a sense of kinship. I know we have had similar experiences. When I meet another person who has had to live life without falling back on prejudices and stereotypes because they have first-hand experience and knowledge of different ethnicities, that experience is like meeting someone who knows secrets that only I and a select few are privileged. The connection may not go beyond those first few moments or encounters, but the initial meeting is always special and reassuring, comforting.
7) What assumptions do people make about you because of your ethnicity?
I don’t think people make assumptions about me because of my ethnicity. I think I have a tendency to project my own insecurities and assumptions onto those I meet. In other words, I see myself through their eyes the way I might see myself if I were them. That is a bit convoluted, but to put it yet another way, I actually think people are frustrated by me (and other PartBlack people) when first meeting me (us) specifically because they do not know how to categorize us easily, and as a result, we (PartBlack people) need to engage with others in a way that either puts them at ease and allows them to act “natural” before we can settle into our own true behavior. (There is a good chance this is a phenomenon only I experience!)
8) What are your thoughts on descriptors like light-skinned, high yellow, Mulatto, etc?
Light-skinned implies Black, but lacking, so it’s not exactly flattering. Regardless, “light-skinned” never bothered me. I’m from the Bay Area and we don’t say “high yellow” often. High yellow is something I read in books, heard during my time in the Army, and have been exposed to through music. Mulatto I actually think is a beautiful word that has a complex history. I’ve heard a variety of definitions and histories about Mulatto (like the root for mulatto being mule). I am currently reading a book by CLR James about the Haitian Revolution, and his unpacking of the word Mulatto replaces the derogatory meaning with something closer to the scientific definition, which simply acknowledges two different types of animals mating. I do not use Mulatto (it feels distinctly Southern to me), but I am not opposed to the word.
9) What are your feelings on the N-Word? Do you use it?
I grew up saying “nigga.” In the past few years I have made an effort to say it less. There are times when I still slip the word into conversation – sometimes for comedic effect, other times for punctuation, most often when rapping along to a song. Saying “nigga” depends largely on who I am around, and how comfortable I am, and my general read of the room (like, I’m not saying “nigga” at work). The word is much more likely to be uttered when I am around childhood friends who grew up using it the same way I do. “Nigger” is not something I ever say or even think. Whenever I hear “nigger” uttered in an old film by a black person I am always taken aback – they are almost always saying the word the way we today say “nigga,” that is colloquially, but with the hard R sound, so the word takes on so much more weight. Anyhow, I am not bothered by the word’s use in films in the proper context – historical or cultural – but increasingly I hate to hear it used in songs, along with other needlessly derogatory words like bitch or hoe, and even most curse words.
10) In your career, how has being PartBlack helped or hurt you?
My perspective is different than a lot of my coworkers, and much of that comes from the fact that I am PartBlack. As a storyteller, and an editor, I feel like I am able to see multiple sides of a story and various solutions to a variety of problems, quicker and with greater facility, because I am Mixed. I think growing up needing to code-switch and play the fence (as an old Army buddy once told me) has helped me be a more fluid thinker, writer, worker, and person in general. But all of these benefits have a contrasting negative effect as well. There are no pure benefits.
11) Has ethnicity played a factor in your romantic relationships?
Ethnicity has played a factor in my romantic relationships only insofar that I have dated women of European almost exclusively because I was raised by my grandmother who is European-Nicaraguan and my mother who is French-Canadian and Nicaraguan. I think when it comes to romance I drifted toward what was most familiar. That being said, my grandmother is an immigrant, and my mother is a lesbian who was also a teenager when she had me, so while my partners have tended to be something other than Black, they have also tended to be different somehow, outsiders in their own way. I once dated a girl who was PartBlack, like me, and that relationship taught me a lot about self-perception, self-identification, and the ways in which so many people take for granted the fact that their partner looks like them. This recognition of self in your partner may seem unimportant, but when I realized how uncommon this was for people like my ex and I, I was really effected and it was a realization I will never forget.
12) Which part of your background do you identify with and/or who are you closest to in your family?
I was raised by my Nicaraguan grandmother, who is descended from Spaniards and Europeans, so the bedrock of who I am comes from her. I am closer to my grandmother than any other family member. At the same time, I grew up with brown skin in the 80s and 90s, when hip hop was evolving and becoming the nation’s dominant culture, and so that world is part of me. My mother is a lesbian, and so I have spent a significant amount of time with people who are widely considered outsiders. So, that culture is also hugely influential in my life. I did not know a single member of my African-American family until I was forty-two years old, but when I did meet them the experience was like returning to a home I never knew. And so I arrive at this project, the PartBlack Project, in an effort to create a space where I can identify with others more completely.
13) Growing up, do you feel that you experienced unique challenges being PartBlack?
Growing up PartBlack was an almost constant struggle. Growing up PartBlack and not knowing the Black side of my family was challenging on an existential level. Growing up PartBlack and being raised by white grandparents where I would hear racist comments being made (infrequently, and not toward me, but still…) was hurtful. Feeling inferior in different and distinct ways when around “black” kids or “white” kids or “Spanish” kids, and feeling vulnerable in unique ways in each circumstance was stressful. Ultimately, these challenges made me a stronger and more flexible adult, but yes, there are many specific and broad challenges to growing up PartBlack.
14) In general, are there benefits or challenges to being PartBlack?
Mental and social dexterity is probably the greatest benefit to being PartBlack. The old line about “seeing both sides” of an argument or “walking in someone else’s shoes” – these are abilities that one has little choice about when growing up Mixed. The only way to be PartBlack and racist is to embrace ignorance and deny one’s own value as a whole person.
15) Have you ever felt that your life would be easier if you were just one ethnicity?
Absolutely. I am positive that if I were to have been born just Nicaraguan/Latino or just French-Canadian/European or just Black/African then my life would have been easier. But easier is not better.
16) When was the first time someone referred to you as, or directly called you, a nigger?
When I was about 11-years old I planned to spend the night at a school friend’s home. After eating dinner with his parents, while we played with GI Joes in his bedroom, I overhead my friend’s father ask his wife why their son had to “hangout with a nigger?” My friend and I were both surprised. I do not know how familiar he was with the word “nigger.” I was only familiar with the word as a condemnation, a bad thing, but I really had no solid context or reference. That same night I called my grandmother and she picked me up. I don’t think I told her why I had her drive out and collect me. That friendship changed, deteriorated, became antagonistic until we parted ways at the end of 8th grade and never saw one another again.
17) Have you had negative or racist thoughts about people who share any of your ethnicities.
I have thought prejudicial and ignorant things about each of my three distinct ethnicities. From harmless stereotypes to more deeply-ingrained criticisms, the paradox of self-hate is amplified when one is made up of multiple cultural and ethnic heritages that have spent decades and centuries demonizing one another. Most of the time, when I have these thoughts, they are rooted in amusement and coupled with an awareness that no one or two behaviors define an entire people. In my experience those that apply stereotypes most often are the individuals from their own background – Latinos are happy to lament the “macho man” or “fiery Latina” stereotypes; white folks are happy to celebrate collecting frequent flier miles on credit cards; and Black people will usually be the most vocal about criticizing Black people for doing stuff Black people are infamous for doing. The difference in being Mixed is that one has a pass to experience each of these various expressions as an insider rather than an outsider.
18) Can you discuss some ways friends or family have made your life more difficult?
Each family member has dealt with my diversity differently. Every friend has treated me in ways unique to their personality. My mother has always made an effort to empower me to celebrate my African-American heritage despite the fact that she is Nicaraguan & French-Canadian. I think the fact that she is a lesbian motivated her to do whatever she could to help me to feel comfortable being exactly who I am, true to myself, as a complete person. In 1989, when Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing was released, my mother bought me the poster, and it hung up in my room for years. If not for my mother, I may not identify as strongly as I do with Black culture, but she always made the music and the films and the fashion and the attitude appealing and valuable and accessible. As for the rest of my Latino and European family, my mixed ethnic heritage is not something ever discussed unless I bring it up. There have been a handful of instances where being PartBlack has prompted comments from friends, and the older one gets the less comfortable people are with discussing such things openly.
19) Do you feel any obligation to any of the ethnicities or cultures in your background?
My last name is French-Canadian, but I know no one from my grandfather’s side of the family. The family members I am closest with are Nicaraguan, yet I do not speak Spanish well. My cultural, social and political views are largely influenced and dictated by my African-American heritage, but I had not met a single Black family member until very recently. I wouldn’t say I feel an obligation to any of the three, but I am Black more than I am anything else.
20) Do you consider yourself political, and in what ways?
I am political. My grandmother raised me to not be too zealous or passionate about anything. In recent years I have realized that her advice was not conducive to happiness or success in my career, or in my personal life, or in my intellectual life. Alternately, my mother was wildly political her entire life, and as I got older and watched her life evolve, her rigid politics seemed to limit life in a way that I was not comfortable with. So, while I am not someone who feels compelled to convince people of what I think is right or wrong, I do make an effort to be well-read on the topics I care about, and I have a greater tolerance for heated discussions than many people I know. My political passions tend to be filtered through my mixed ethnic background, and with that lens I try to see arguments from all sides and weigh positions fairly.
21) What do you think the world could learn from PartBlack people?
Being born neither Black nor white is a blessing in that one knows, their entire lives, that prejudices and stereotypes are nonsense. If the world could learn this fact, and engage with individuals as humans first and ethnic/cultural entities second, there would be a lot less anger and fear in the world. There would be less exploitation and greed. There would be greater communication and empathy. PartBlack people – Mixed people – have had to experience their entire lives as Other, and what I wish the world could learn is that there is not a single human being on this planet that ought to be categorized as Other.
22) What would you tell your 12-year-old self?
First: Being friendly is a strength, not a weakness. Second: Finish what you start.