Stephanie
Working in the world of reality television, freelance editors drift in and out of one another’s lives with great frequency. I have had the good fortune of working for the same company for over a decade, and have seen many people show up at Bunim-Murray only to never be seen or heard from again. Stephanie was different. With so few editors of color working at BMP, Stephanie and I connected over our mixed ethnicities. She told me about her background, with a father from Sierra Leone and a mother from Norway, and I invited her to be a part of The PartBlack Project. We met at her apartment, and shot these images on the roof of her building, just a few blocks from LACMA and The Grove and that strip of LaBrea that is home to about five hundred high-end furniture stores.
Do you identify as Black? White? Mixed? Bi-Racial? Something else?
I think it depends on the crowd I’m with. In my average day to day I would say black because that side is where I feel I fit in the most. In a broader sense, I would say ‘mixed’, because I did grow up with and have a connection to two very different cultures, but societally (at least in the US and Eurocentric countries) I am black. In general unless a person is very white-passing, nobody looks at a PartBlack person and changes their behavior or attitude towards them because they are somehow part-something else. They see a black person. Ironically in Sierra Leone where my dad’s side of the family is from, people call my sister and I ‘white’ because there is no term for us – we are lighter-skinned than most people there with the exception of the Fulani ethnic group (which is a nomadic tribe that is also mixed).
Who are some PartBlack people who have inspired you?
Prince, Lisa Bonet, Jasmine Guy, Jennifer Beals, Sade, Fefe Dobson, Bob Marley, Barack Obama, Halle Berry, Lenny Kravitz, Mya, my sister, myself 🙂
Which public figure, of any ethnicity, has had the greatest influence on your life? (This can be an artist, scientist, musician, filmmaker, philosopher, athlete, politician, writer — anyone.)
Can I say The Temptations, Backstreet Boys, 5ive, or Spice girls? I know on the surface it maybe sounds ridiculous or shallow but to be honest those groups got me through some extremely dark times in my younger life and I still listen quite often to this day.
Are there any fictional characters from film or literature that have influenced your life? How?
Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs – it’s a dark movie of course, but from the young age that I saw it I just thought she was such a badass – seeing that a woman can do a job in what is considered a predominantly male field was always inspiring to me because (other than my original career, dance), the professions I have tended to be interested in are seen as ‘male’ jobs, as ridiculous as that is to gender occupations in that way.
What countries have you traveled to, and how does your physical appearance influence how people treat you around the world?
I try to travel out of the country as much as possible and would definitely say I’m a travel addict. I think being mixed has a lot to do with that – a big part of growing up was trying to figure out what spaces I fit in, what spaces I didn’t, and where I could blend in, and I feel like during a lot of my traveling I tend to assess that exact thing. The additional challenge for my sister and I was being first-generation Sierra Leonean which culturally is about the polar opposite of the US, so I think that also sparked our need to get out and see people similar to ourselves to not feel like we were all alone. I’ve been all over the Caribbean, Europe, have yet to finish exploring Africa since it’s so huge but I will do it all one day. I try to travel back to Sierra Leone every December to see my family, and since that is a long trip I tend to stop over in various places to break up the trip and to explore places I haven’t been.
I think that my physical appearance has definitely influenced my treatment around the world. I find that throughout the US the treatment can be the harshest to be honest. Throughout Europe, I’d say my best experiences have been in London and Paris because there is such a high population of first-gens and mixed people with very similar backgrounds to mine. In countries that are majority brown and black, the treatment is the best (in my experience anyway).
Are there other PartBlack people in your life, and/or how do you feel when you meet another person who is PartBlack?
I know several PartBlack people, and I think the initial meeting is usually excitement. There’s some sort of connection that I instantly feel when I meet another PartBlack person because I think a lot of times our experiences are similar. I always tell people that those I instantly connect with are either first-gens within the diaspora or other mixed people. There’s a sort of shorthand that comes with both of those I think – an understanding of little nuances that don’t need to be said or explained, maybe similar family dynamics or experiences, and it’s really nice.
What assumptions do people make about you because of your ethnicity?
I am not sure, actually. That is a great question. A lot of times things go unsaid and so I think at best I can only assume what those assumptions are based on my treatment from people.
I think over the years I have faced certain assumptions in my career specifically because of my ethnicity – I have been told, straight up to my face from older white editors that a black woman could never cut as well as them or be on their level. At a couple of companies I have been passed up for certain promotional bumps because (and I’m quoting) ‘the network feels more comfortable with (unnamed white coworker)’. Despite me having several years of work experience more than said person. Those are assumptions that I have no control over because of my ethnicity, but those are also assumptions that speak to a much greater problem within the TV/Film industry that I think and HOPE is slowly changing.
Aside from career stuff, I don’t like when people make assumptions about me because I know personally that my background doesn’t necessarily make any sense – Norwegian and Sierra Leonean isn’t a mix that one sees. I’ve had multiple careers that are vastly different from one another. I like a lot of broad things and take on a wide variety of activities that don’t go hand in hand. I have a lot of layers that people don’t see on a first meeting and that probably don’t fit in the box of what a person expects. Usually the more people get to know me the more they’re like ‘Wow your background makes less sense the more I know you!’
What are your thoughts on descriptors like light-skinned, high yellow, Mulatto, etc?
Someone else said this – light-skinned seems to imply black, but lacking – and I agree with them, it isn’t necessarily flattering. It’s not untrue though – I AM light-skinned. I used to be a little insecure about these descriptors since all I wanted to do was feel like I fit in and it wasn’t until I felt more comfortable in my own skin that I was like ‘well…I mean I AM these things.’ I in general am not a fan of these terms because I think they carry negative history, but it is what it is.
I do think, though, that it is also important to look at terms such as ‘light-skinned’ or ‘high yellow’ through the lens of colorism and how it affects communities of color. Historically in the US these terms referred to mixed race people who were born of very dark and upsetting origins. Despite things being different now, those terms still refer to that exact issue which still plagues communities of color worldwide. Being mixed or having lighter skin sadly often offers more privilege within society and it is important to not ignore that fact. While, yes, mixed-race people face their own specific individual identity-related struggles and successes, we often face better treatment societally, we are more represented in media, etc., and so I think that when we look at these terms, despite their negative connotations we also have to be cognizant and sensitive to this fact.
What are your feelings on the N-Word? Do you use it?
You know, it’s not a word that I personally use or feel comfortable using. The history behind the word makes me uncomfortable so I don’t use it. I think part of that comes from hearing that word from my own problematic white family members and so my association with it is not a pleasant one. People who are not black have no business using that word. I am not about to stop anyone who is black from using it, though.
In your career, how has being PartBlack helped or hurt you?
I do think in some ways being PartBlack has helped me because I think I am able to connect with a wide variety of people of different backgrounds. Just on a purely freelance level, growing up having to navigate between a polar opposite landscape has made it easier in my adult life to bounce from one job to the other, to work on different styles of shows, and to edit narratives in different ways demographically.
I mentioned a bit of it earlier, but at certain times I do think my career from time to time has been directly affected negatively by my ethnicity, which has been a frustration. There are certain assumptions that people make about black women which I have seen projected onto me at times in the workplace, but the only thing I can do is work hard to prove that those assumptions and stereotypes are nonsense. I’ve definitely seen this happen at different jobs from time to time, but luckily not at all of them.
Lastly, being mixed has helped me to be as diplomatic in situations as I can be because I can see things from multiple angles or perspectives. That IS something I think is cool about being mixed.
Has ethnicity played a factor in your romantic relationships?
I’d say yes, I think. Ethnicity and culture anyway. At some point in my early 20’s, I remember my dad noticing I was really down about something relating to this and saying that because of my background it was going to be hard to connect with or date people who just don’t understand. In my dating life I have found this to be 100% true. Dating in general is difficult, but on top of that finding someone who understands you or is willing to learn these nuanced things is almost impossible. I think that the combination of race, paired with being first-gen often has made it pretty much impossible to meet anyone who not only understands race issues but also is open to a completely different culture and its norms as well. The intersections of all of those things haven’t tended to be kind to me until recently. My boyfriend has proven to be very open and willing to learn about all of these things and it has been such a refreshing change, I won’t lie.
In all honesty, I can’t say I’ve dated very many people in my life because of this exact reason. I have dated a mixed person before and while we understood different nuances about each other, he was not first-gen nor did he make any attempt to learn about my culture, and so we just clashed in a multitude of ways.
On the opposite and more positive side of that spectrum, I think that being mixed does give you a wider perspective and ability to see all angles in a relationship.
Growing up, do you feel that you experienced unique challenges being PartBlack?
Absolutely. I lived in Sierra Leone when I was a young kid and then we moved to the US – eventually Colorado, and I don’t think here could be any two locations more different. I think that I spent my entire time living there struggling to fit in because there simply wasn’t a single person like me there. Luckily there was a small Sierra Leonean community in Colorado we were able to see regularly but other than that I was kind of just teased and made fun of for being different. I always had the issue growing up where people would expect you to pick one side or the other, or the constant “Are you adopted?” question from other kids when they’d see my mom pick me up at school.
A unique challenge for me and my sister, specifically, had to do with the fact that we were not only half black and half white, but we were half Sierra Leonean. Culturally that is just so far from American culture and spending so much time constantly trying to bounce between all three of those things was just difficult. When you are getting made fun of by both the white kids and the black kids it is a challenge to figure out your place. Once I got to college that challenge got harder because there was a more diverse landscape and I didn’t feel like I belonged in any of it. It sadly wasn’t until I was in my 20’s that I realized it was ok to just be myself and hope for the best.
In retrospect, the tools learned from navigating that landscape have been monumentally helpful in my adult life, but I just wish it wasn’t such a challenge to get there.
In general, are there benefits or challenges to being PartBlack?
There are both! My hair is and will always be a bundle of chaos.
I think the deepest issue I personally have had with being mixed (this is my own experience, I’m not trying to generalize) is that parents of mixed kids have never navigated being mixed, unless they are mixed themselves, so I know for me there has always been a sort of disconnect between my feelings surrounding my identity and being able to convey them fully to either of them. A lot of growing up included shielding my white mother from some of the issues I was dealing with because her reaction was not helpful or understanding. The advice she would give was specific to her experience as a white woman, which isn’t necessarily helpful when you yourself can’t use said advice. My dad has always been far more understanding of issues I’ve had surrounding race, because he has also had to deal with those. As much as parents may try to understand you, they can’t fully and that was a challenge for me for sure.
I know for me a challenge always used to be that there was a sort of imposter syndrome feeling – sitting at a table with white family members and feeling like the black sheep (literally) of the family; sitting at African events and being talked to as if I have never been around Africans before or don’t understand what they’re saying despite understanding the language perfectly.
I think the benefits have been that I feel like now, as an adult I am able to more comfortably fit into spaces despite what those spaces look like. I’m also able to see situations from a variety of perspectives that I maybe wouldn’t otherwise. Having a unique heritage and look forced me to be comfortable with myself as just myself. I’m much more adaptable and easygoing in general because I grew up needing to be that way in many situations. I can claim multiple cultures as my own and that’s pretty sweet.
Have you ever felt that your life would be easier if you were just one ethnicity?
Yes. I love being mixed, but I still feel this way from time to time to be honest.
When was the first time someone referred to you as, or directly called you, a nigger?
I think it would have been at the airport when I was in elementary school. A lady was sitting and waiting for the same plane as my family and she looked at us and started yelling slurs at us.
Have you had negative or racist thoughts about people who share any of your ethnicities.
Hmmm. I can’t think of any specific examples, but I feel like with the struggle to figure out where I fit in, maybe? I was very close to my mom when I was younger but she is also a very problematic person in ways so I know that some of that spilled over until I was able to figure out the world for myself.
Can you discuss some ways friends or family have made your life more difficult?
I apologize in advance but I’m going to get a little real with this question.
Sometimes, parents of mixed children really aren’t always equipped with the sensitivity or knowledge it takes to raise a mixed child, despite having the best intentions. My dad has always been very great at trying to understand where my sister and I were coming from, but my mom is someone who is so uncomfortable with the topic of ‘race’ that she chooses not to acknowledge it at all, something that as a white woman is a lot easier to do, and this is something that made my life exponentially more difficult growing up and to this day. When something negative or racist happens to you and the one person you are supposed to be able to run to tells you that it didn’t really happen or that you didn’t really experience it in that way, it’s extremely harmful as a kid growing up in a neighborhood where nobody looks or acts like you.
This is not the case for every interracial family, but I definitely always try to encourage friends in interracial relationships with mixed kids to try to read up on mixed-race identity issues and to listen and understand with open ears when their kids are dealing with said issues. LA has a great festival called Mixed Remixed every year where they show different films on mixed-race issues, have different panels, and have informational courses for parents of mixed-race children, and I think that is one of the most wonderful things. I definitely teared up when I first went because I felt like I was in an auditorium of people just like myself, and I’ve never felt that before.
Do you feel any obligation to any of the ethnicities or cultures in your background?
Absolutely. My dad is from a very small ethnic group that is getting smaller as time passes and the diaspora widens. With this in mind, it’s always been so important to me to maintain that culture, to teach people about it, and to try to ensure future generations have a sort of pride in what awesome history and traditions their ancestors bestowed upon them.
Do you consider yourself political, and in what ways?
Very much so. I think that being from an interracial family in itself is a political statement (though it shouldn’t have to be), having hair that is natural is a political statement (though it shouldn’t have to be), and existing as a person who doesn’t fit pre-existing stereotypes is a political statement (though it shouldn’t have to be). Aside from this though, I am a lifelong activist and one of my side hustles includes producing/writing/and editing social action campaigns. Growing up with family from extremely different parts of the world and as an immigrant family, you learn very quickly and early on about systemic issues worldwide, and my personality is one that I can’t sit back and watch those issues without doing what little bit I can to help.
I certainly hope that the ways in which I’m political are in ways that can teach people about certain topics they may not know about, or have levity and create some element of social change – at least that’s always my goal. Anyone is welcome to let me know if I achieve that or not.
What do you think the world could learn from PartBlack people?
I think that it’s ok to not fit in one box or label. The world is very quick to categorize people I think because it is what feels safe. But I think the thing that is coolest about PartBlack people is that we challenge the status quo, we show the world that is possible to exist equally from multiple cultures, to have a variety of interests, and to understand different topics in perhaps a more objective way.
A lot of times, people tell me that I’m very ‘Zen’ or ‘Balanced’, and I honestly think that is because of being mixed, and because of my perspective coming from that background. I’ve seen it all and can take things as they come with ease and balance.
Lastly, I feel like a lot of times being PartBlack has served as a window in my life to bridge the gap between different groups. For example, and for some reason I’ve never been able to understand, growing up I always saw a kind of rift between Africans and African Americans. I think that being a first-generation Sierra Leonean and also an American has allowed me to sort of be the representative for both of those things within the two communities. I’m always excited to teach people about Sierra Leone and I also always try to make a point of teaching African American history to those from Sierra Leone who sadly are not always taught these things.
What would you tell your 12-year-old self?
It’s ok to be yourself.
Which part of your background do you identify with and/or who are you closest to in your family?
I identify the most closely with my Sierra Leonean side, and I am closest to my dad and sister.
I think this is because this is the side that has always accepted and tolerated me for who I am, regardless of all of my weird identity crises and phases throughout the years, regardless of not knowing if I’ll ever fit in somewhere, and regardless of where in the world I am at any given time, they have always just appreciated me for me.